Fear or Fearless
These last few weeks have been a whirlwind. How I've managed to get through it all is beyond me. My band FAWNN had a record release (did I mentioned I'm in a band?) I shot three weddings, managed to travel up north for a family reunion with my bees, and I stung while looking out over beautiful Lake Michigan. I even kayaked. Thank you, tiny bees!
One of the reasons I contemplated not doing Bee Venom Therapy was fear. It's an intense therapy, and I was scared that I would be too sick to do anything (see Herx). I feared that I'd be even more restricted than I already am because I'd have to sting on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and that I wouldn't be able to travel anywhere let alone perform with my band. Oh, and I was afraid of being stung by a flying insect... hello! I never know how I'm going to feel from day to day or honestly from minute to minute. Any Lyme treatment is going to be like that, so I'm always living on the edge. I could be totally fine one second, and then a wave of hell comes over me and shuts me down. I used to be a social butterfly. I was out all the time. Now it's hard to connect with people, and it is a struggle actually to listen and engage at times, so I stay at home a lot. Sometimes it feels like I have a big fat dark monster sitting on my brain. When I first started treating with antibiotics a few years ago, I got so sick. It was the night of a show. I didn't know what was happening, but I got up and played the show regardless and immediately left.
The band was scared, and I was horrified. Shortly after that, I ended up in the hospital with chest pains thinking I was having a heart attack, and I even wore a heart monitor. I felt like I could barely lift my arms and had crushing fatigue, I couldn't eat and got down to 112 lbs. I would wake up shaking with panic attacks and end up standing out in the snow to calm myself. This unpredictability became life as I knew it. Those were the darkest of days. I have decided to change that. If I let fear control me, then it wins. If I let fear control me, then I wouldn't be traveling on this road to find healing. Move over fear there is no room for you anymore.